Okay, he’s not, he’s actually pretty cute. But I’ve never had a dog before, and I was not informed about the dog things they do, and I can say I have been sufficiently grossed out by him over the past month since he came to live with me.
For context, you should know we adopted Kevin in late June. He is five months old and a gentle giant. He loves cuddling, running around in the backyard, and sitting in his spot on the couch.
I’ve spent a limited amount of time with dogs before; it turns out I was a little unprepared for Kevin. Right away, I was surprised by the amount of drool and mud that was suddenly in my house.
We learned pretty quickly that Kevin experiences excessive drooling when stressed. Once, we came home and he was drenched, separation anxiety fueling a drool-filled time in his kennel. Poor baby! We dried him off and cuddled him and reminded him that we are always coming back and he will never be left alone for long. But it was, objectively, gross.
Then, we gave Kevin a treat: a pig ear. I wasn’t sure what he would do with a pig ear, but we had been told that dogs love this kind of thing, so we decided to buy one to see what he thought.
The ear itself was disgusting, and then, when we handed it to him and he immediately started chewing on it — bleh. It softened as he chewed on it — bleh. He tried to bring it into the bed — BLEH.
We took him to a doggy wash station recently, which is a story in and of itself. But, as a reward afterwards, I bought him a duck foot. It was sticky and curled up into a fist and very, very gross. My precious carnivorous baby ate it. How can a dog be so sweet and innocent and wonderful and also a total devourer?
The real disgusting thing, though, is how Kevin treats dead animals.
Apparently, my yard is where animals go to die. I was blissfully unaware of this until we got Kevin. It’s like the house is built on top of Stephen King’s Pet Sematary.
Kevin quickly discovered a dead rabbit in the back corner of the yard and came running to show me with the corpse swinging from his mouth. DISGUSTING. And upsetting! I don’t like seeing dead animals!
“Drop it. Drop it. Drop it,” I chanted, a new command that Kevin had never heard before and obviously did not understand. We stared at each other. He was ecstatic with his find; I was near tears. When he finally dropped it, he got all the praise I could pile on top of him. And then I made my partner dispose of the rabbit, because that is not a job I signed up for.
Since then, Kevin has also discovered a dead mole. He isn’t killing these animals, just finding their bodies, which is weird and concerning.
But the most upsetting moment came a few days ago, when we were chilling outside, grilling, letting Kevin roam. Until he became suspiciously quiet. I stepped down from the deck to discover him CHEWING ON A SKULL.
What kind of horror movie bull$@%! is this???? Terrible! My precious cuddly baby is proving that he is first and foremost an animal. His dogness fascinates and upsets me in equal parts. If he wasn’t chomping on dead things, I could get over the drool and the mud and the pig ears. But this is where I draw the line.
Luckily, Kevin seems to have thoroughly exhumed the yard, and I hope we’re done with his little “discoveries” for a while. In the meantime, we’ve been learning all kinds of new tricks and manners. His newest trick is “lay down,” and I’m very proud of him for mastering “shake.”
We don’t know what Kevin’s background was before he came to live with us — he had been dumped and picked up by the shelter just a few days before we got him — but he didn’t know any words and was obviously unused to being in a loving home. He is fortunately starting to settle in, and we love him very much.
So, yes, my dog is a little disgusting. But he’s also my sweetie baby boy. I’m obsessed with him. And he truly is woman’s best friend already.
